Dow Plunges 700pts, So We’ll Talk About Chimps, Sex, and the Dai Lai Lama Instead
Everyone’s heard of chimpanzees, but have you heard of a bonobo? There’s a fascinating contrast between the two species. Chimps developed male dominated societies and use violence to solve problems. Bonobos, on the other hand, are a female dominated society. They have sex all the time, generally to pacify stress and to maintain order.
According to Breitbart News, his Excellency, the Dai Lai Lama, thinks sex spells trouble.
Sexual pressure, sexual desire, actually I think is short period satisfaction and often, that leads to more complication,” the Dalai Lama told reporters in a Lagos hotel, speaking in English without a translator.
He said conjugal life caused “too much ups and downs.” (Uh, pun intended…?)
I’m thinking the Dai Lai Lama is the last guy you’d want to take advice from where sex is concerned, (cough, cough, celebate!, cough) but here’s an example of how humans operate: We have to trip on whether the entire IDEA of sex is good or bad. We can’t just be like the chimps and rape and pillage with gusto, and we can’t just have sex because it’s fun and 
makes us happy like the bonobos. We have to analyze, justify, morally resolve, and dissect an otherwise pleasant activity. You have to wonder how bonobos ended up endangered while humans dominate the entire planet. I’d much rather party with the bonobos!
Midlife Job Change? Consider Piracy!
Tired of being a desk jockey? Tired of working in a meeting mill? I am here to offer you a new opportunity to see life from a new perspective: the deck of a freighter!! We’re looking for adventurous self-starters who don’t back down when the going gets tough. Your puny salary will PALE in comparison to the millions, or at least thousands, you’ll rake in as a PIRATE on the high seas!!
Consider this testimonial from one of our best and brightest:
In the eyes of the world, the pirates have been misunderstood. “We don’t consider ourselves sea bandits,” he said. “We consider sea bandits those who illegally fish in our seas and dump waste in our
seas and carry weapons in our seas. We are simply patrolling our seas. Think of us like a coast guard.”
A coast guard with BIG GUNS! No more wasting your time doing ineffectual “project planning” or “financial analysis” (what IS that?!), grab your AK-47s and join the fun! If you don’t believe me, trust the BBC News. In an article entitled “Somali Pirates Living the High Life,” one man says, “They wed the most beautiful girls; they are building big houses; they have new cars; new guns,” he says. “Piracy in many ways is socially acceptable. They have become fashionable.”
Send your resume and cover letter to:
Exxon Corporation
5959 Las Colinas Boulevard
Irving, Texas 75039-2298
(972) 444-1000
Funny Wiener Email Redux!
Amazing how quickly my bulk mail fills with these beauties! Lord knows, we’re all searching for perfection. For women it’s those few pounds around the hips. For men it appears to be wiener improvement. Which is about as easy to attain as losing those last few pounds. Read on for the key to immeasurable happiness!
Green Guilt and Eco Indulgences
Catholic people are famous for the guilt they suffer. According to Wikipedia, Catholic guilt is defined as
the feeling of remorse, self-doubt, or personal responsibility that results when a Catholic or Lapsed Catholic engages in sinful acts.
There’s an identical syndrome for all of us who try daily to live green sustainable lives: Green Guilt. Green guilt is the feeling of remorse, self-doubt, and personal responsibility that results when a human living in a suburb contemplates their participation in global warming. Sometimes panic ensures, as in, “Oh god. We have GOT to dump the SUV. And I didn’t notice the grapes I bought were grown in CHILE! Why didn’t I buy them at the farmer’s market?!?! Oh god. I’m such a failure! I can just FEEL my carbon footprint GROWING!”
And since all forms of guilt translate into a market, we have eco-indulgences for sale: carbon offsets. Do these indulgences really 
guarantee us a place in green heaven? I’m not so sure. We can continue to pursue our same lifestyle so long as we pay to help build wind power installations? Hmmm. I don’t know. I’m skeptical. Al Gore, the Savonarola of our day, lives in a mansion that purportedly consumes as much as twice the amount of electricity and gas in one month as an average American household consumes in a year. If Al Gore bought carbon offsets, would we forgive him for being such an egregious hypocrite?
In our everyday lives we have to reconcile driving the SUV packed full of kids, or groceries, or sometimes nothing but the driver, against our feeling that we don’t want to make things worse. We want to give our children and grandchildren a clean beautiful planet. We don’t want to buy any more plastic. (But even Trader Joes wraps the veggies in plastic!) Sometimes it feels impossible to gain any ground. It’s always summed up as a “lifestyle” choice, but this doesn’t begin to address the deep changes we’ll need to make to improve our relationship to nature. In the meantime, we’ll live with the many ironies of trying to be green, of not quite making it, and feeling those guilty pangs.
Let’s Talk Burkhas…
First, the disclaimer: I know nothing about Islam. I am an adherent to no religion, and, like many, mostly see the institution of religion as a root cause for wars, pettiness, and general disagreement. That said, I’d like to advocate the burkha as an alternative to the baseball cap and sunglasses that most of us don on those “oh god, I have to go out in public” days. You know the ones, no shower, or you showered but somehow never brushed your hair because you were emailing and forgot to watch the clock right up until you had five minutes before your preschooler’s gymnastics class.
Or the blotchy days. You girls out there with olive skin have no idea what hell the blotchy days can be. That time of the month plus salty food the night before, or even a glass of wine, and the next day you’ll be looking like a boxer who lost the match.
So why no baseball cap? For starters, it leaves the chin exposed. And it’s so Madonna. I need full coverage, people, FULL COVERAGE! While no words can express how opposed I am to the laws requiring the wearing of a burkha, I’m thinking it has its place.
My Treasured Collection
Many people collect things. Seashells, buttons, stamps, old cars. People (including me) feel a deep need for order, for the visual satisfaction of similarly grouped items. The order is suffused with the memory of each event that brought a new item to the group. I feel all of this and more with my collection. Me? I collect Funny Wiener Emails. Scoff if you will, but there’s a mighty joy and a rush of pleasure (of a different sort!) when I open my spam folder and find a gem hidden there amongst the lowly trivial viagra ads. Imagine my delight when I found “turn that trouser mouse into a monster schlong.” Trouser mouse! The brilliance! Or another of my favorites, “rise from the dead ye little head.” It is at once nasty and explicit, while at the exact moment, the perfect poetic metaphor!
Here it is ladies and gents, my Funny Wiener Email collection:
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